Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Lifestyles of the poor and not at all famous

I am pretty much the last person anyone should ask for beauty advice and yet suddenly everyone around me (and by that I mean all three of my friends) wants to know my favorite products. Let me preface this list by pointing out that I rarely remember to wash my face before bedtime and I pluck my eyebrows basically never. I only ever shop for beauty products at the drug store, with the exception of little samples of $100 face masks that I like to swindle from Sephora on a monthly basis. Also I am terrified of pedicures. So I am essentially the anti-beauty guru. But nevertheless, here are some of my favorite, can't-live-without, MUST HAVE, freak-out-when-empty essentials.

Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer
 One thing I totally suck at is keeping a make-up bag in my purse. I am not one of those girls who actually powders her face in the loo or remembers to carry concealer at all times. In fact, I dislike those people intensely. It seems high-maintenance and fussy. However I do have lip gloss on me all the time, even at the gym and that is because I truly believe that a little lip color can completely change your face and make you look refreshed and ready to face down even your biggest foes. I swear by Burt's Bees lip shimmers, especially Fig. It is like the Black Honey of drugstore brands. It looks good on literally everyone, lasts forever and tastes good too. (But don't eat it. Gross.)

Olay Complete All Day Moisturizer with Vitamins E & B3 UV Skin Shield SPF 15 Lotion
I never used to bother with moisturizer, even though my mother told me it was really important to use it every day to avoid getting my grandmother's weird crinkled neck skin. About 5 years ago I jumped on this bandwagon in a really hardcore way. Now I moisturize every morning and, when I remember, at night too (see above comment re: my bad nighttime habits). I like Olay's complete moisture lotion because it's not very thick and absorbs pretty much right away and doesn't irritate my sensitive skin. Plus, it has SPF 15 and a bunch of nutrients so I can pretend my skin is absorbing the nutrients I should be getting from food but don't get at all because all I ever eat is junk.

Suave Naturals Creamy Body Wash, Milk & Honey Splash
Yes, it is Suave. I am apparently still stuck in the mid-90's when it comes to my body products. I might as well break out the cucumber melon Bath & Body Works bath gel. But hear me out. I first started using a milk & honey body wash while I was studying abroad in London. Over there, they have fancier, British versions of Suave, which was sold at uber-cool Boots Pharmacy (this was before it showed up in Target and became uncool). Anyway, I randomly bought a milk & honey body wash there one day and was instantly addicted. It was creamy and decadent and made me feel and smell like a Duchess every time I took a shower or bath. Usually it was a shower because I shared a bathroom with a boy so, ew. Now I am completely addicted to this scent and so happy I can buy it here for like $3. The Suave version leaves my skin super soft and the scent lasts but isn't overwhelming.

Noxzema The Original Deep Cleansing Cream
This stuff is so amazing. I'm sure most women my age spend actual money on their face cleansers at fancy stores like Sephora but I swear by this cleansing cream. I use it in the shower, where I can slather it on like the thick cold cream we used in my theater days and then I leave it on while I shampoo my hair. My skin gets all tingly and cold in a good way and then feels so clean and clear afterward. I'm beginning to sound like commercial now so I'll shut up about that. I forgot about Noxema for a long, long time and then I rediscovered it when I visited my AWESOME FRIEND SADIE in LA and she had it in her shower. I've been obsessed ever since. I abandoned it for a while in favor of some gross grapefruit exfoliating bullshit but now I am back and it is better than ever.

CoverGirl LashBlast Fusion Mascara
Back to make-up. Everyone raves about Dior mascara and I am all 'whatever dudes, Cover Girl Lash Blast FTW'. I use the newish Lash Blast Fusion because it builds volume AND length. Imagine that?!!? And it must work because lately people keep asking me if I am wearing false eyelashes as if I could roll out of bed early enough to apply those complicated mothers. I barely remember to brush my hair these days and I just noticed that my socks don't match. But I do swipe on this thick black goodness and it remains there all day, even if I watch a weepy movie like All Dogs Go To Heaven which we know is the weepiest movie ever and even worse than Sophie's Choice.

LORAC Unzipped Eyeshadow Palette
Here is something semi-fancy that can't be found at Rite Aid: Lorac eye shadows. Two years ago I was having an awesome mall day with Helen when I decided to deviate from my drugstore only beauty routine and splurge on an eyeshadow palette. Reader, I married it. Actually, I only committed to it for life. [Insert politically relevant joke here] But ladies, these eye shadows are the best. My eyelids tend to be a little oily (gross, I know) and so most eye shadows have melted and faded away by lunchtime. But Lorac eye shadows last all freaking day and they always look fresh because there is the tiniest bit of sheen but without a speck of slutty girl glitter. Even if I were that fussy girl in the bathroom retouching her make up every 4 hours, I wouldn't even need to because they are always fully in tact. My palette is running out and so I might buy the one you see above this long winded paragraph because the neutral tones are so pretty and glamorous.

Conair Brush Mega Self Grip Rollers
A few words on hair products: I never use them. I hate that they make my hair feel dirty and weighed down and greasy. I don't like to wash my hair every single day, god damn it! I hate all those shine boosters and serums and hair sprays and mousses. They are gross and they smell weird and as previously discussed, I only like to smell like a Dutchess who bathed in milk. Anyway, for the past few years I have been having a very passionate affair with Conair's self-grip rollers. I like to throw 2-3 of them on the top of my head for extra volume. Then I like to prance about my room wearing only my black tights and a short kimono like I am Ann Margaret. They do wonders for very little effort and I highly recommend them to anyone who wants to look like a bombshell but who is lazy like I am.

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