You all know I loves me some autumnal bliss but here's something I don't often share: I hate Halloween.
Sure, an excuse to get dressed up like a trashy whore is always fun but you know what? I can do that any old night. The only thing I like about Halloween is the opportunity to wear old-fashioned non-scary masks and something that shows absolutely no skin at all, which no one seems to do anymore since the dominant costumes of today are
strippers and
pole dancers.
You know what I hate most though? I hate that Halloween decor has become tacky. There. I said it. Rubber spiders, fake cobwebs, toothless pumpkins and weird fake hands poking out of closets are decorations? Really??? That's supposed to be scary? It should be replaced with bed bugs, dust bunnies, the toothless homeless man who lives in my subway station and the weird fake lips on Lindsey Lohan.
That's terrifying!
Whatever happened to the traditions of Halloween? Before children dressed up like Avatar and begged for candy, people used to offer prayers for the dead in exchange for fruit and cakes. When children went guising they wouldn't shove their hand
into their neighbor's faces expecting a pile of king-size snickers, they'd offer up a few
jokes or a silly poem to earn their keep. And instead of plastic pumpkins from Rite Aid, the 'donations' were collected in carved out turnips.
All this sounds much better to me than yelling 'trick or treat!' which is just silly because who ever offers a 'trick' besides dads who are trying to be funny?
No, Halloween just isn't like it used to be in the good old days.
That's why I'd like to propose something new for Halloween: a classy All Hallow's Eve Ball.
Here are the rules:
1) Everyone wears fancy masks with ballgowns and jewels and furs like Tallulah at Capote's Black & White Ball. In Fact, everyone changes their name to Tallulah for the night.
2) Only sophisticated Halloween fare is served:
Blood Orange Champagne Cocktails,
Chipotle Deviled Eggs,
White Bean & Sausage Stew in Pumpkin Bowls,
Heaven and Hell Cake and other fancy foods.No Hersheys or Nestle products. No caramel apples either- no one looks elegant gnawing on a giant apple on a stick.
3) Decorations are black and sparkly. No cobwebs, no skeletons (unless they are bejeweled and provided by Damian Hirst), no monster of any kind especially if it lights up or screams 'wahahahhaahaha' at you. Lots of candles. Birdcages that have been spray-painted black and
glitter disco balls (also black but possibly gold or even white). Taxidermy is allowed but only if it is beautiful like a raven or a white peacock and not something gross like a possum you found on the side of the road and decided to stick on your mantle.
4) Flowers are very important. They should, in fact, be as fresh and luscious as possible in contrast with all other darkly-themed decor. For this occasion, they should be mostly white and clustered in vintage black and gold tumblers.White hydrangea, lisianthus, anenome, ranunculus, freesia, eucalyptus, and star of bethlethem with dark accents of thistle and chocolate cosmos.
5) Tarot readings are allowed only if performed by an actual gypsy.
6) Send your guest off into the night with a gorgeously packaged box containing few small rolls of
Pain des morts, a Corsican brioche that is traditionally eaten the morning after
Halloween on All Saint's Day. This bread is meant to be scattered over
the tombs of the dead but I bet your guests will enjoy the sweet
accompaniment to their hangover.
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